Jokes -Page 1
A friend of mine was married to a great gal. Unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife's mother who was a very cranky and spiteful person. In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you!" When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in-law would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you." Also, in the evening while having a well-deserved cocktail, my friend's mother-in-law would pop up from behind the bar and say, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you." Well, I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago and while having a beer I asked him how his mother-in-law was feeling. He said, "She isn't feeling anything; she died two months ago!" I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat? He said, "No! I buried her face down. Let her dig I don't care!"
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone
tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once more, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am." George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush I had to spend 40 years in the desert".
A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says, "You have to take a Breathalyzer test." The guy says, "I can't! I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit." The cop says, "Then I have to give you a blood test." The guy says, "You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place." The cops says, "Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line." The guy says, "I can't." The cop says, "Why not?" The guy answered, "Because I'm drunk. Didn't you see the way I was driving, you asshole?"
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
A young guy from Alaska moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alaska." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today"? Kid says one. The boss says, "just one? Our sales people average is 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says "$ 101,237.64" Boss says "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said: Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of
money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland".
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?" "Yes, anything," the blonde
promised. With that, the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the
next room and ordered, her" to come in and close the door." She did.
He then said, "Get on your knees." She did. Then he said, "Take down
my zipper." She did. He said, "Go ahead...take it out." She took
it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes
and whispered, "well honey....go ahead." The blonde slowly brought her lips closer,
and while holding it close to her lips she said clear and loudly:
"HELLO - MOM ???"
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the exam was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
He'd been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit. As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods. "Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend asked. "I've never had an old ball," he said.
This guy goes to see the Pope as he was visiting in Europe. There is a huge crowd of people there but he manages to get through. He watches at the Pope stops every once in a while to whisper something in a their ear. He was dressed in his best suit because he really wanted the Pope to talk to him but, as the Pope came up to him, he walked right by and stopped by a guy near him who was homeless and dressed in rags. So, the man says to himself, "I know why he stopped at him, he's homeless!" So the man pays the homeless guy 50 dollars to use his clothes and he goes back the next day. Well, this time the Pope stopped at him, leaned over, and whispered, "I thought I told you to get out of here yesterday!"
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asked, "what did he say?" The old man yelled, "he says you were speeding!" The patrolman said, "may I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "what did he say?" The old man yelled, "he wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license. The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "what did he say?" The old man yelled, "he thinks he knows you!"
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
The Israeli Prime Minister is sitting down with Arafat to try to work out an agreement. The Prime Minister asks if he might first tell a story. Yasser Arafat tells him to go ahead. When Moses was in the desert for forty years the Jews got very thirsty and Moses asked the Lord for water and there appeared a beautiful lake. The Jews first drank and then bathed themselves. Moses did the same but when he came out of the water his clothes were gone. Moses shouted, "Where are my clothes? Who took them?" The Jews answered, "The Palestinians took them." Arafat quickly objected, "There were no Palestinians at that time!" The Prime Minister looked at Arafat and said, "OK then - right now we can begin to negotiate!!"
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You have fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
God said to Adam, "Go down into that valley."
And Adam asked, "What's a valley?"
And God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river"
And Adam said "What's a river?"
And God explained it to him.
HE then said, "Go over the hill."
And Adam said, "What's a hill?"
And God explained it to him.
Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's a cave?"
And God explained that to him and said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, and continued "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
So God explained it to him.
So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
and into the cave and found a woman, and in about five minutes he was back.
God said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't recognized you."
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out thereon. The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes." The Arab shouted "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want." The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. The man said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" The Arab rasped "I found it alright. They wouldn't let me in without a tie!"
A couple who have been married for 45 years decide to go back to the cabin where they had their honeymoon. After reaching their destination, the wife says to the husband: "Sit down honey, I have a surprise for you!" She returns in a transparent night gown and asks: "Do you remember this darling?" "I sure do honey", he replies. She asks: "Do you remember the words you said to me that first night?" He said: "I sure do honey, I said I was going to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out...!" She immediately ripped off the gown and asked "Well what do you think - ??" He looked at her and proudly replied: "Mission accomplished honey!"
A guy goes to the optometrist. The Doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!" "Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?" "No," the Doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!"
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies", he responded. "Oh!, Killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females" he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded: "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone".
Jill: What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable? Mary: Of course he is! He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children....!
An extremist Muslim died. He arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven." The Muslim says, "Nice to meet you Peter, but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad." St. Peter says, "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad." The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses. Moses says "Hi, I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven." The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honor to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad." Moses says, "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad." The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, he can't see anything but bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks, "Who are you?" The figure responds - "I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven." God walks over and shakes his hand. The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He says to God "Sir, it is such an honor to meet You - I can't believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad." God says "Ohhh... You're here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem. Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?" The Muslim says, "I would love a cup of coffee." God yells into the kitchen, "Hey Muhammad, 2 coffee!!!"
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle and shouting loud: "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
A doctor sat his patient down and said: "Well, I've got some good news and I have some bad news" "Start with the bad news", the patient sad. "You have about 2 days to live", the Doctor answered! "SHIT", the patient shouted, "what's the good news?" - "See my new hot receptionist? - I'm banging her!!!"
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once! While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking!" Then little Johnny says "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking!!"
Jesus and Moses were sitting on a bench in heaven, remembering the good old days. They talked about what they used to be able to do and wondered if they still had their old tricks in them. So, they decided to go see if they still had extra-wordly powers like they had so many years before. The pair went to the Red Sea and Moses raised his hands and parted the sea just like he had when he was much much younger. Jesus, clearly amazed, asked Moses, "There's so much that I did, but what could I do now to see if I still have the power?" "Walk on water like the good old days," replied Moses. So Jesus kicked off his sandals and stepped into the water. He took three steps on the surface and then sank under the murky waters of the Red Sea. Dumbfounded, he looked at Moses and wondered what was the matter. "Must be those damn holes in your feet," Moses responded.
A man, obviously drunk, walks into the police station and stumbles up to the sergeant behind the front counter. Loudly the man exclaims "Officer, Officer!! They stole my car right off my key....they stole my car!" "Slow down" the sergeant demands, "Just give me the details." "Details....Details!!!" the drunk protests. "They stole my car right off my key!" Noticing by now that the man is extremely inebriated, the sergeant continues in a patronizing voice... "Look, buddy, you've had a little too much to drink. You shouldn't be driving anyway. Why don't you just head on home, and I'll bet when you wake up in the morning you will remember where you left your car." "Geez, Thanks" the drunk says and as he pivots to leave, the sergeant leans over the counter and says, almost in a whisper, "Uh, hey buddy, by the way, your penis is hanging out your pants." The drunk looks down, and in total agony shouts out "OH MY GOD!!! THEY GOT MY GIRLFRIEND TOO!!!"
After 25 years of service the postman was about to retire. On his last day he walked the same routine as he did for 25 years. When he arrived at the first house the people gave him fishing gear and wished him happy retirement. When he arrived at the second house the people gave him camping gear and wished him happy retirement. When he arrived at the third house a blond lady opened the door and invited him in. They went upstairs and had outstanding sex for about two hours. She then made him breakfast and afterwards handed him a dollar. The postman was surprised, he asked: "Today you gave me the greatest sex I had for years, and breakfast was nice, but what's with the dollar"? The blond lady answered: "Last night, I was talking to my husband, I told him that today was your last day, and asked what should we do?" My husband said: "Fuck the postman! Just give him a dollar" - "adding breakfast was my idea!"