Jokes -Page 2
I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine, a case of beer, and a large box of chocolate candy.... I feel better already.
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the newspaper, "The Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" Said the other "HE SAID, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!". "Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin she shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of country capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them! "A friend says: "OK, what's the capital of Japan? "The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy. it's J."
Please send this warning to everyone on your email list. If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits, "do not show him your tits!" This is a scam, he only wants to see your tits. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. Best regards your Blondie!
A man enters his favorite Ritzy Restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby....all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants". The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches...."
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the heck did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied: "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says; and now go to town cowboy..! And here I am."
Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?" "The second student replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."
O'Riley walked into the bedroom to find his wife rolling in the hay with another man. "What in the name of St. Paddy is going on? Who is this man?" His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question." She turned to the other man and asked, "What's your name?"
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On our wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on. So, she did and said, these are to big. I can't wear them. So I replied, exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. Ever since that night we've never had any problems". "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks over his father's advice for several days. Then, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large, Jack. They don't fit me." Jack says, "Exactly right! I wear the pants in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." After that comment, Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says "Here you go try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." Jill says, "Exactly! And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving?"
A woman goes into a pet shop, immediately spotting a large colorful parrot. The price tag is $50 .00. "Why so little, Sir?," she asks. The owner looks at her, says, "Look, Lady, I gotta tell ya - this bird used to live in a house of ill repute, so ta speak - and sometimes says some fairly vulga stuff." The woman thinks about it, deciding she just has to have the bird anyway and takes it home, puts the bird cage in the living room waiting for it to say something. The bird slowly looks around the room, then at her and says, "New house, new madam." The woman is just shocked at the implication but thinks, "Gee, that's not really so bad." Her two teenage daughters return from school and the bird sees them come in and says, "New house, new madam, new girls." They are a just a little bit offended - then begin to laugh about the situation. Moments later the woman's husband, Keith, comes home from work. The bird looks at him and says, "Hi, Keith."
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy. The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery...."
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "And what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
An elderly man walks into a house of ill repute and tells the Madam that he would like a young woman for the night. The Madam gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Just how old are you, Mister?" "Why," the old patron says, "I'm 98 years old today!" "Ninety-eight!" the Madam exclaims. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh!" he says. "Then, how much do I owe you?"
A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital where his skin had turned bright red, was painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in his condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off his legs."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on the belt and, seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections and said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?" The drunk said, "Cause you're extremely ugly!"
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"
Jane was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the stunningly attractive gentleman who was reading on the sunbed beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "do you like movies?" "Yes, I do," he responded, and then returned to his book. Jane persisted. "Do you like gardening?" The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Jane asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Jane, pumping her as she'd never been pumped before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Jane dragged herself back to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?!!" The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Two women were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security Sex," "Social Security Sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out and again went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down Miss," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spella "Mississippi".
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety." Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an other guest came over and said, "That's very rude of you, Sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners! Where did you come from?" The man looked up helplessly and said, "...from the balcony!"