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Jokes -Page 3

 

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the womens locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "what's the matter Ladies, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." Teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate". Sally raised her hand. She said; "my family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was fascinated." Teacher said, "Well, that was also good, Sally, but I am looking for the word fascinate!" Pepito raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Pepito was still learning English. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate, so she called on him. Pepito said: "My seester has a sweeater with ten buttons, pero her chichis are so freaking beeg, she can only fasten eight."

A group of tourists sitting round a table in a Chinese restaurant in Melbourne and as the waitress passed the table she noticed that all the men were jerking off as hard as possible under the table. She was outraged and shouted at the men "Excuse me, this is Australia, we do not condone such behavior in this country you must stop immediately or leave!!" One of the tourists replied: "But we are very hungry"! She said; "and you really think you will get better service with such behavior"??? He replied with amazement, "we are only doing what you asked on the menucard - First come first served"!

Dear Sirs, I have the solution for the prevention of hijacking and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again. We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales. Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything." (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

A happy couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon. The couple's conversation headed towards political and international events. The husband asked, "Honey. What do you think about the Middle East position." His wife replied, "I don't know, dear, have we already tried it?"

Last winter a male friend was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancée called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to him. He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told him, "We'll wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!".

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do NOT work in Quality Control at the Q-tip Company."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Sex is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebratory lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches the table to take their order; she is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad." "Very good, sir," she replies and, turning to Bush, she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?" Bush answers, "How about a quickie?" Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff. Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, ...I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'."

President George W. Bush was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news." "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, Sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, Sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door . . . There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancée' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way. The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly... but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said: "Well. maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied,
"it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

It has been studied and determined that the most often used Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs... and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private. "The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. After watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!". The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"

The following are some actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window...

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" She replied, "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Little Girl: Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut!
Mom: You mean it's small?? - Little Girl: No, it's salty!

A lady entered the Dr.'s Cabin & said: "I have a vibrator stuck up my vagina."
Doctor: "O.K. you lie down and I'll try to get it out"
Lady: "Oh no. Just change the batteries."

A man tries to advise his wife on saying:
"Darling if you could learn to cook, we can fire our cook"
Wife: "Yes darling if you could learn to make love,
we can fire our driver!"

What do you do with 365 used condoms at the end of the year?
Melt them, make a tire and call it "GOODYEAR"

Mom: - "Didn't I tell you that if a guy touches your boobs say DON'T,
and if he touches your pussy say STOP?"
Girl: - "But Mom, he touched both so I said DON'T STOP".

Judge: "You say the defendant stole money from your Bra while you were wearing it.
Then why didn't you stop him?" She said: "I wasn't sure what he wanted..."

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman, "I'm sorry, but we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in. "No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?" "No, just get on with it." The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner. "Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."


Heaven and Hell
 

Heaven is where:

The police are British,
the cooks French,
the mechanics German,
the lovers Italian
and all is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where:

The police are German,
the cooks British,
the mechanics French,
the lovers Swiss,
and all is organized by the Italians.


It's the 2004 Presidential election that's too close to call with Alaska tied in popular vote. Neither Bush nor Kerry have enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it's decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and frozen lake in Alaska. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification. At the end of the first day, John Kerry returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, George Bush returns and has zero fish. Well, Republicans assume he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day Kerry comes in with 20 fish and Bush again comes in with none. That evening, Condoleezza Rice and Dick Cheney get together secretly with Bush and say, "We think John Kerry is a lowlife, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. We want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way". The next night (after John Kerry comes back with 50 fish), Rice says to Bush, "Well, what about it, is John Kerry cheatin'?" Bush replies, "He sure is, Condoleezza, he's cutting holes in the ice".

 

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