Jokes -Page 4
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb ass. Someone has stolen tent".
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by simply saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him. $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops his mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."
A young country boy and his father were in a mall. Having never been to a big city before, they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked "What is this dad?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my live, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady with warts and a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous young blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..."Go get your mother."
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: " A proud Billionaire"
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he said. "Did your mother give it to you?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in my life - cars and men." They continued to talk and finally she asked "What's your name"? "Beerfuck," he replied.
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese Gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me, is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and ask, "What your name?" He say, "Moishe Plotnik." Then she look at me and go, "What your name?" I say, "Sem Ting."
Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed... Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my behind looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"
She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself." Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice:
"Well........there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a visa.
A 40 year old Lady decides she wants to get married. She checks all around where she lives and couldn't find a Male virgin so she put an add in the newspaper for one and in a couple of weeks she gets a reply from a guy in Australia. They write back and forth for a while and decide to meet. After spending some time together they decided they were right for each other and got married. On the wedding night, the Lady is in the bathroom getting ready for bed, she comes out into the bedroom and her Husband has all the furniture push over against one wall and is standing there naked, she looks at him and says, "Why did you do that"?? He says, "now Honey, I told you I have never had sex with a Woman, but if you are anything like a Kangaroo I will need all the room I can get"
What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
The Englishman: Throws away the cup of coffee and walks away.
The American: Takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese: Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
The Japanese: Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra.
The Israeli: Sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee.
The Palestinian: Blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee;
asks the UN for aid; takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee;
uses the money to purchase explosives, then blows up the coffee house, where:
The Englishman, the American, the Chinese, and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he was too aggressive.
Wife: "Honey..... What are You Looking for?"
Husband : "Nothing."
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?"
Husband : "I was just looking for the expiration date...."
Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure, what are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no..."
Two Mexican businessmen in Tijuana were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling". No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked "What you sell?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, "You doing velly well, only two left!"
A wife asked her husband:
"What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him, "Barak, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks. Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Iran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.
Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a welldressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners". "Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning"!!!
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The damn grass is almost a foot high!"
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point! ... Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave. The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is *Fiji Islands*
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this? The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ". And here I am!