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Jokes -Page 5

 

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. "Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, How was your day?"
Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo, Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.
"Sir I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: Help me - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!"
"Good Lord Ole, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes!!"

How to get to Heaven...
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was "No!"
By now I was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered "No!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted: "Yu've goat tae be fukin' deid..."

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches: "Can I help you, Sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies. The cop asks: "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's Wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man: "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out: "Holy shit! My girlfriend is gone too...!!!"

I'm not 60!
I'm 18 with 42 years of experience

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you." As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking". "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em". Again, the big man starts to leave and stops... "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too!" "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us...!"

A Blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some Rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any!" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde! "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the Pharmacist. "Yes", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist Who looks at it and says to her: "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...: " To apply, push up bottom"

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall...!"

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1200 for two days and can't get through; can you help?" Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?" Customer: "It's on the door of your business." Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing Tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, 'Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.' Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, 'Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find'.

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' She pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

A very distinguished lady on a plane from Switzerland found herself seated next to a nice priest. She asked, 'Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favor?' 'Of course, my child, what can I do for you?' 'Here's the problem...... I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?' 'Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.' 'You have such an honest face, Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions.' She gave him the hair remover and the aircraft arrived at its destination. At customs the priest was asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son,' he replied. The customs officer asked, 'And from the sash down, what do you have?' The priest replied, 'Well, I have a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used.' Breaking out in laughter the customs officer said, 'Go ahead Father. Next!'

Little Ralphy goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Ralphy says: 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Ralphy, that's a mouthful.' Little Ralphy says, 'no, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.' 'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.' She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Ralphy. 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said Beautiful, just fu.ng beautiful!''

In biology class the teacher asks, 'Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?' Little Johnny raises his hand. 'Go ahead, Johnny.' 'My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder.' 'That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?' Again Johnny raises his hand. 'We'll give you another chance.' 'My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it and his eyes popped out in shock.'

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, 'Do you take this man to be your husband.' And she said, 'I do.' Then the minister asked my Dad, 'Do you take this woman to be your wife,' and my Mom said, 'He does.'

A brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects a bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.' The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word <comfortable>.' The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know it you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word <comfortable>.'? The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly...........com-for-da-bull'

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and its Roger, Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more action. And once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed, that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age, who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger'. Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already'? The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer has its advantages!

Three guys are discussing women.
'I like to watch a woman's tits best,' the first guy says.
The second says 'I like to look at a woman's ass'.
They ask the third guy 'What about you'?
'Me? I prefer to see the top of her head'!

A Ryanair flight was coming in to land at London Luton airport, when the captain flicked on the tanoy system and says, 'I would like to thank you all for choosing Ryanair for your flight and I hope our service has been to your satisfaction, and you had a great holiday, we will be landing shortly.' The captain puts down the tanoy but forgets to switch it off, when the co-pilot says, 'what are you going to do after we've landed skipper?' The captain replies, 'I am going to have a good shit first, then I am going to take the new blonde air hostess back to my flat and shag her senseless.' The new blonde air hostess blushing bright red realising the tanoy has not been turned off dashes from the back of the plane towards the cockpit before anything else can be said, when half way down the gangway there's an old lady of 83 sitting there with her walking stick slightly sticking out in the gangway. The blonde air hostess trips over the walking stick and lands flat on her face, to which the old lady looks down at her and says, 'there's no rush honey, he's going to have a good shit first!'

 

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